


I'll give you the moon

by andromedagalaxy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: AU, It's A Wonderful Life AU, M/M, death that doesn't stick, major character death warning but it doesn't last
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 17:39:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12776073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: “I don’t think it’s gonna get better,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “My life fucking sucks because of him, he just doesn’t give a shit so nothing matters. My own father. Everything is difficult, he’s out to ruin every good thing I have. He doesn’t—he doesn’t know how to be happy for me. He never will.” It’s coming into focus, how fucked up it all is. How fucked up he is, because of it.“Lukas, you just gotta hold on,” Philip says, wrapping his hand around Lukas’s elbow. “You’re doing so good. Don’t let him bring you down.”The tears are threatening again. Philip’s support means the world to him, but fuck, it makes him feel lower than a goddamn cockroach. He doesn’t deserve it, because his own father doesn’t love him, doesn’t want him, would rather he wasn’t here. Because it’d be so much better, much easier if he just wasn’t here.“I wish I was never born,” Lukas mutters, one tear falling.Philip goes stiff beside him, which makes Lukas think that was the wrong thing to say. But for a second, he really means it.





	I'll give you the moon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whispered_story](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/gifts).



> Happy Birthday to the incredible @whispered_story, my favorite writer in the fandom. You consistently bring such beauty into our lives, with every new fic you bring an entire world to our hands. Every word is always so perfectly chosen, every sentence conveying such meaning. We are so lucky to have you writing these characters. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have your fics in my life. I doubt I would have gotten as far as I have. And in addition to being a phenomenal writer, you are an equally phenomenal person, so kind and true and caring. I'm so happy I met you and I hope you have an amazing birthday. LOVE YOU GIRL!

_“He’s our little miracle. Our precious Lukas.”_

_“Jesus, Lukas, if you hadn’t given me a ride that would have been me. Look at that shit, I always sit near the front of the bus—”_  
_“Rose, just don’t think of it like that. You weren’t on the bus, so you’re fine.”_  
_“I wasn’t on the bus because I was with you.”_

_“Philip loves him. The other day he used the word soulmate.”_  
_“Really?”_  
_“Yeah.”_  
_“I know Lukas loves him too. It’s just harder for him to deal with everything, considering.”_  
_“I’m just glad Philip found someone. I’m glad he’s getting better. This feels like a family, Helen. And I’m glad.”_  
_“Me too.”_

_“Philip. You know I need you. You’re—you’re the best part of me.”_

It’s Christmas.

Well, it isn’t Christmas yet. It’s early December, but Lukas can remember the month starting when he was younger; his mother would always break out all the boxes with XMAS scrawled on the side in her own handwriting, humming some familiar tune that he later realized was _Little Drummer Boy_. She’d usher Dad out onto the porch with a few strings of multi-color lights, grinning and laughing. It was December first, but she’d say, “Come on, Bo. It’s Christmas.” His memories of her are foggy, stuck behind the wall he’s built up in his mind. But Philip is slowly knocking it down, shedding light on things he hasn’t thought about or remembered in a long time. And he loves remembering her.

He’s been trying to be his best self lately. It hasn’t been too much of a trial, because now that people know about him it’s not the horror story he thought it would be. Yes, Dad has been difficult. Very difficult. But Dad is always difficult, and this is probably the last thing he could have wanted to find out about his son. But holding the secrets in was worse for Lukas, on top of that fucker stalking them and trying to ruin their lives. 

Lukas hates what Ryan Kane took from Philip. And that’s been driving him to be even better than he wanted to be. He’s been trying so hard. Every time he makes Philip smile it feels like a personal victory, and it’s always his number one goal when he wakes up in the morning. Make Philip smile. Make Philip laugh. Make Philip feel loved.

He hasn’t said it yet, but fuck, he feels it. He feels it every day when he holds Philip in his arms, when Philip gives him that look like he thinks he’s an idiot but he wants to kiss him anyways. Lukas doesn’t know why he can’t say it. He’s wanted to so many times, especially the other night when they were having sex and he couldn’t stop thinking how beautiful Philip was, how incredible he felt, how never in a million years did Lukas ever think he’d be able to touch and kiss and hold someone so kind, so strong, so dear to him. 

He wants to fucking say it. 

He grabs his jacket and looks at himself in the mirror, brushing his hair back a little bit. He’s constantly aware of his flaws, but he tries to remember the way Philip looks at him. He sighs, heading downstairs. 

Dad is sitting behind his computer when Lukas comes down, and Lukas manages a brief smile. He remembers the way the house felt around this time, when his mother was here. The old train they used to put up on the mantelpiece would toot its horn every ten minutes or so, and it’d always drive his dad crazy, which made his mom laugh. Sometimes, he feels like he can still hear her.

Dad looks up at him, narrowing his eyes. “I thought you were heading to practice.”

“Gonna practice tomorrow,” Lukas says. He still doesn’t feel one hundred percent on the bike, but he doesn’t tell his dad that. Surprisingly, he hasn’t really been pushing him too hard. Guess getting shot and nearly killed has its perks. “Gonna go hang with Philip,” Lukas says.

Dad sighs audibly. Lukas feels it like a slap, and he tries not to look up at him too sharply. Lukas doesn’t want to say anything, and he hopes his dad doesn’t either.

So, of course, he does.

“I was wondering if you might get over this sometime soon,” Dad says.

Lukas stops in his tracks on the way to the kitchen. He can’t remember what he was even going to get. But now he’s seeing red, burning with embarrassment and anger. “Get over what?” he asks.

“All this,” Dad says, waving his hand through the air. “Business, you know.”

“This business?” Lukas asks, raising his eyebrows. 

“Philip business,” Dad says.

Lukas didn’t think he could be angrier. “I thought you were doing better with this,” he says. “With me and him.”

Dad sighs. “It’s a lot to ask of me.”

“A lot to ask of you?” Lukas says, nearly yelling, his blood boiling now. “To accept me for who I am? No wonder I hid this shit for years.”

“Lukas—”

But the dam is broken, and he can’t stop. “I finally feel like I’m doing the right thing, I finally feel like I’m worth something, like I might be heading in the right direction for once, and when I open up to you, you stand in my way.”

“Lukas—”

Lukas can hardly hear now and he shakes his head. “I’m finally getting the fact that I’m my own person, that I can make my own decisions, follow my heart—”

“You have to let me speak, I’m still your father and you live under my roof—”

“I don’t want you saying bad things about Philip—”

“Well I don’t want you dating Philip! I don’t want you to be what you are!”

He yells it, practically bellows it, his voice so harsh that it wipes out all the nice feelings and memories that were dancing around in Lukas’s head. He thinks of Philip. Incredible, caring, warm, angelic Philip. Philip, whom Lukas already thinks he doesn’t deserve. Philip, who’s in pain, who lost his mother, who thought he was gonna have to watch Lukas die. Philip, who Lukas hid and hurt and pushed away even though he really wanted the exact opposite. The idea of someone hating him, especially Lukas’s own fucking dad, makes him feel sick. 

And the other thing. It scares him most that he’s not surprised by it at all. In fact, it’s almost like he knew it was coming, like it was on the tip of his father’s tongue for his entire life and finally he’s let the sentence go. 

_What you are._ Like it’s something disgusting, evil. Unacceptable. It sinks in Lukas’s gut and permeates through him.

“I gotta go,” Lukas says, horrified to find tears building in his eyes.

“Lukas.”

He turns around and makes for the door, moving faster than he has in a while.

~

Philip can read him like a book. He’s waiting in the barn and he gets up when Lukas trudges inside with his bike, parking it and letting his helmet fall to the floor. Philip can probably feel the anger and anxiety radiating off of him, and by the look in his eyes his concern is already rising. Lukas hangs his head as Philip approaches, trying to catch his breath.

“What’s wrong?” Philip asks, sliding his hands around Lukas’s waist and pressing himself close. It’s cold outside but Philip is warm, the safety of his arms just what Lukas needs right now. But it makes Lukas feel like a burden, again. Philip is still recovering from losing his mom and Lukas is just making things more fucking difficult for him. Because of his idiot father. Because of who he is. 

Who he is. There’s something wrong with him. Something inherently wrong, off, and he’s really beginning to believe it.

Lukas swallows hard, shaking his head.

Philip reaches up and cups his face, tracking his thumb back and forth across Lukas’s cheekbone. “Talk to me.”

Lukas feels a swell of air in his chest, like his lungs are gonna collapse and his whole body after them. He’s had a couple panic attacks since the whole thing with Kane ended, and he wasn’t even sure what the hell was happening until his therapist put a name on them. But he can feel one building now, and if he wasn’t with Philip it probably would have happened already.

“My dad,” Lukas says, turning into Philip’s palm, holding it there with his own hand. 

“What about him?” Philip asks, softly. “Did something happen?”

“He’s just never gonna be cool with this,” Lukas says, with a sigh. 

“With us?” Philip asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, anger and sadness tugging at his heart. “And me. Who I am, being gay, whatever. He’ll never be cool with it, he’ll never accept it, so I’m just gonna have to fight with him for fucking ever, I guess.” He pulls away and walks further into the barn, trying to catch his breath. Philip follows him, rubbing his back. 

“It’s okay,” Philip whispers. “You know who you are and that’s all that matters. You know what you want.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, breathing a little harder, and his mind just keeps saying _you you you._ “He’s always fucking micromanaged me, always made my choices for me and it’s just like, nothing matters to him anymore because I decided to stop being his little puppet. He just wanted to make me something I’m not. He was only acting cool with me, with us, because I almost died. I guess his fucking deadline was three months because apparently he’s done with trying.”

“Maybe he’s just having an off day,” Philip says, tracing his hand up and down Lukas’s arm.

“Every day is off for him,” Lukas says. He can’t stop ranting, can’t stop being an asshole. Philip doesn’t deserve this. He deserves for someone to touch him softly, tenderly, to hold him and make him happy. Not someone who comes over to his house to bitch and be annoying. Lukas goddamn hates himself.

“I think it’s definitely gonna take time,” Philip says. “He’s very set in his ways, but I do think he’ll make it there one day.”

“How long is it gonna take, Philip?” Lukas asks, turning around to look at him. “Is he still gonna be shitting on our relationship when we’re thirty and living together?”

Philip smiles a little bit at him.

“I don’t think it’s gonna get better,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “My life fucking sucks because of him, he just doesn’t give a shit so nothing matters. My own father. Everything is difficult, he’s out to ruin every good thing I have. He doesn’t—he doesn’t know how to be happy for me. He never will.” It’s coming into focus, how fucked up it all is. How fucked up he is, because of it.

“Lukas, you just gotta hold on,” Philip says, wrapping his hand around Lukas’s elbow. “You’re doing so good. Don’t let him bring you down.”

The tears are threatening again. Philip’s support means the world to him, but fuck, it makes him feel lower than a goddamn cockroach. He doesn’t deserve it, because his own father doesn’t love him, doesn’t want him, would rather he wasn’t here. Because it’d be so much better, much easier if he just wasn’t here.

“I wish I was never born,” Lukas mutters, one tear falling.

Philip goes stiff beside him, which makes Lukas think that was the wrong thing to say. But for a second, he really means it.

Philip sighs then, sliding his hand across Lukas’s stomach so his arms are wrapped around him again. “Don’t say shit like that,” he says, with seriousness, and he presses a long kiss to Lukas’s cheek. Lukas closes his eyes, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, but he feels worse than he did before. He pulls Philip into a hug and feels him bury his face into Lukas’s neck.

Lukas doesn’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve him he doesn’t deserve him he doesn’t deserve him. He can’t even say I love you, when it’s all he thinks all the fucking time. He’s useless. Why would anybody want him?

“I need to go clear my head,” Lukas says, sniffling and pulling back. He wipes at his eyes and wants to ask Philip to go with him, but he doesn’t trust himself with Philip on the back of the bike while he feels like this. It could start snowing at any minute, he could spin out and hurt him because he’s having an emotional fucking breakdown. “Can I come back in an hour?”

Philip shifts his lips and Lukas can see the disappointment in his eyes, but he nods. “Of course,” he says. “Just be careful.”

 _I love you. I love you._ He hears it in his own voice but he can’t say it. He leans in and presses their lips together, trying to kiss him hard and pour his feelings into it. “I’ll be back,” he says, clearing his throat.

“Okay,” Philip says, nodding. 

~

Lukas cries as he rides, sobs like a fucking little idiot, and he can barely see the road in front of him because of the dark and the tears in his eyes. He wishes he wasn’t broken, wishes he could turn into the safety of Philip’s embrace and shut the rest of the world out. But he’s a dark, twisted thing, torn and false and incapable of being what the world needs, what Philip needs, what his dad wants. He’s useless, and he cries harder when he thinks about a life without him. Philip would probably find some hot guy that was cool, intellectual, treated him right. Someone who took pain from his life instead of hurling it towards him.

God, Lukas wants to be good enough for him. He wants to be good enough, period. But he doesn’t think it’s possible. He’s a lost cause. There’s no hope for him.

He stops riding and pulls off to the side of the road, highly aware that his emotions are getting the better of him and he’d ruin Philip’s life even more if he got into an accident and died after all the hell they’ve been through. He’s boiling with rage and fear and sorrow and he parks his bike and pulls his helmet off, tossing it aside. He wants to scream so he screams into his hands, clawing at his own face. 

He isn’t enough. He’ll never be enough. It’ll build and build and build until his dad kicks him out, until Philip says he’s done with him. Then he’ll have nothing. Just his own fucking self.

He crouches down by his bike and drowns in the silence, his own tears hot and racing down his face. “I’m not good enough,” he whispers, shaking his head. “I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I wasn’t here. He’d be better off without me.” His panic and his fear overwhelms him, his mind racing with everything he’s ever worried about.

It feels like he crouches there for a century, the silence around him molding into something thick and tangible that could smother him if it had any real intentions.

Then he feels a hand on his shoulder.

He jumps, startled, and moves away quickly, because there’s no way in hell anyone should have managed to sneak up on him out here, despite how deep inside his own head he was. He turns around and the light is almost blinding, but it’s beautiful, like shimmering gossamer floating in the air.

His mouth drops open and his heart skips a beat. He doesn’t believe what he’s seeing. It can’t be. He squints and he breathes through his mouth and chills run through him like a thousand ants because it can’t be.

It can’t be her.

“It is me, Lukas,” his mother says.

Lukas stares at her, his vision going glassy. He wonders if he’s having some kind of aneurysm. Finally losing his damn shit. He wouldn’t be surprised. She looks exactly as she did before she got sick, before she left them. Her light hair, her soft smile. But she looks disappointed.

“Mom?” he asks, his voice wavering. “How is—what’s—” He shakes his head, getting to his feet and approaching her. “Is it…is it really you?”

She nods at him and holds out her arms. He stares for a couple more moments, incredulous, disbelieving. But then something breaks and he drops forward into her arms, clutching at her. Philip has been able to draw out old memories of her with the lush expanse of his attention, releasing good thoughts that Lukas had thought were gone forever. And Lukas can’t fathom how this feels, to have her hug him as he is now instead of how he was as a child. He doesn’t get it, it shouldn’t be happening, it doesn’t make sense. But here they are.

“Am I dead?” he asks, muffled into her shoulder.

“No,” she says. “You’re not dead.”

He’s shaking, he’s terrified, but he wants to believe this. He wants to have this. He’s wanted to see her again for so long, and it’s been a latent pain in his heart since he lost her. “God,” he says. “I miss you. I miss you so much.” He wants to tell her everything. Wants to talk to her for years and get her advice on how to be himself, how to make his life mean something. Wants to catch her up on every aspect of him, and how he got to this point. He wants to tell her about Philip. 

But he feels like she knows everything already.

This can’t be happening. He must be going insane. 

“I miss you too, sweetheart,” she says, running her hand through his hair. 

He pulls back, as much as he doesn’t want to, but then he gets to look into her eyes. He shakes his head, because another question won’t come. He can’t think straight. Nothing makes sense. He wonders if he did spin out, crash, and this is nerves misfiring in his brain. 

She raises her eyebrows at him. “So you wish you were never born, huh?”

His cheeks immediately go red, and she sounds a lot like Philip did when he questioned it. He bows his head, chewing on his lower lip, and still holds on to her. “You know what dad said?” he asks. “Did you hear him?”

“Yes,” she says. “I know how your father is. How he’s been, since—well, he never expected to have to raise you on his own, and he didn’t do as well as I’d hoped. Far from it.”

“You don’t feel the same way as him?” Lukas asks, his breath catching in his throat for fear of her answer. “About…about me, about what I am—”

“No,” she says, definitively. “No. Lukas, you’re—you’re perfect as you are. You’re exactly as you were meant to be.”

He sighs, chewing on his lip. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t know, I—I don’t feel perfect. I don’t feel right. That’s why I…that’s why I said what I said.”

“Did you really mean it?” she asks. “What you said?”

“They’d be better off without me,” Lukas says, swallowing hard.

“Lukas,” she says, shaking her head. “This is why I’m here. Why I was able to come.”

“Why?” he asks, meeting her eyes. 

She presses her lips into a firm line and looks at him, like she’s trying to pry the thoughts from his mind. “I’m going to have to show you,” she says.

“Show me what?” he asks, narrowing his eyes. 

“What it’d be like if you’d never been born.”

He shakes his head at her and before he can say another thing, she holds her hands over his eyes. He can’t describe what comes next but it’s almost like the earth moves, time and space streaming by around him. When she pulls her hand back, they’re somewhere else. In the middle of town, on a sunny day.

He stumbles a little bit as she lets go of him, and he feels different. Displaced. Like something is missing, or lost. But the town looks the same. The same people, the same streets. Everything just seems slightly…off. A tinge darker.

He thinks he’s probably losing his mind. Maybe a drifter knocked him out, drugged him. Maybe he’s dying. Tivoli attracted the likes of Ryan Kane and his rampage, so Lukas wouldn’t be surprised. But he wishes someone would just tell him.

“What’s going on?” Lukas asks, looking around and back at his mom again. He can’t believe she’s in front of him. It doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t get it. He has to be dying. And he didn’t even get to say goodbye to Philip.

Mom looks at him, and then she looks off past him, at the library beside them. She walks over and stands close to the window, peering through it. “She’s in here,” Mom says, looking over her shoulder and motioning for Lukas to join her.

“Who?” Lukas asks, walking over.

“Rose.”

Lukas narrows his eyes. “Rose?” he asks. She’s been a big part of their support system since everything happened, and a lot of Philip’s recent smiles have been due to her texting him about her dating adventures. They’ve hung out the three of them on more than a few occasions, and what Lukas thought would be the worst, most awkward experience of his life turned out to be really goddamn great. Rose is a lot better friend than girlfriend, and she makes Philip smile. Lukas has been really grateful to her.

A group of kids rush down the sidewalk and run right through Lukas and his mother like they aren’t even there. Like they’re ghosts. His heart hammers in his chest and he throws his arms out, looking up at her. “I thought you said I wasn’t dead,” he says, feeling of his own chest to make sure he’s still solid.

“You’re not,” Mom says. “This is a different world, Lukas. A universe where you weren’t ever born.”

Those words sink through him and goosebumps crop up on his arms. There’s a lump in his throat and he’s waiting to wake up. Any minute now.

“Come here,” Mom says. “I’ll take you around. Show you what it’s like without you.”

He approaches her but he doesn’t really want to see, because her tone scares him. He looks through the window and he sees Rose inside. 

There’s a twisting, angry scar on the side of her face, and a few more peek out from under her long sleeves. She’s walking from the bookshelf to the computer table and her limp is visible, and he can see what looks like a walking stick leaning against her chair. Lukas is horrified. 

“What the hell happened to her?” he asks. “What is this?”

“Do you remember the bus accident last year?” Mom says. 

Lukas does, though he’s having a hard time recalling while he’s seeing Rose like this. He thinks back. It was the city bus that blew a tire and crashed, turning over and severely injuring a bunch of people. He doesn’t know what that has to do with anything. She wasn’t on the bus that day.

“In your universe, she wasn’t,” Mom says.

“Can you read my mind?” Lukas asks, looking at her.

“In a way,” she says. “I can hear all forms of your voice.”

“So wait…” Lukas says, his heartbeat picking up. He can’t wrap his mind around it. He gave Rose a ride a ton of times from the moment he got his driver’s license. “In this world…”

“You don’t exist,” Mom says, and she looks at him sadly. “So you didn’t give Rose a ride to school that day. She took the bus, like she normally does. She was sitting near the front, where the worst of the damage was. She’ll have physical therapy for the rest of her life. She can hardly see out of her right eye. For a while they thought she wouldn’t be able to walk again, but she was lucky in that regard.”

Lukas stares at Rose through the window. She moves so differently. Seems to be lacking the confidence he knows her for, that strong glint in her eye. There’s only one person with her, and not the bustling group of friends she usually hangs out with. Lukas wants to go inside. Wants to talk to her. Tell her he’s sorry, that he was supposed to be there that day. That he wants to change it. He doesn’t goddamn understand. “I can’t…”

“Come on,” Mom says, taking his arm.

“I wanna talk to her,” Lukas says. “Maybe…maybe if I do she’ll be able to see me. And if she sees me, maybe—maybe she’ll remember me.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Lukas,” Mom says. “We only have so much time. And none of them can see you.”

Lukas looks at Rose and then back at his mom, his heart skipping a couple beats. “Where’s Philip?” he asks. He isn’t sure he wants to know. But he needs to.

She doesn’t answer him, only urges him along further down the street.

“There are a few others we need to see first,” she says.

“I need to know where he is,” Lukas says, softly, and like always, there’s nothing he wants more right now than to hold Philip, kiss him, make sure he’s alright. He knows Mom says they can’t hear him or see him here, but Lukas is sure Philip will be able to see him. 

“You’ll know,” Mom says, not unkindly. They cross the street at the light when it’s still red and cars pass right through them, and if this is death, if he’s a goddamn lost ghost in Tivoli, Lukas doesn’t think he’ll be able to take it.

“I don’t get this,” Lukas says, still following her. “I don’t really know why things would change if I’m not here. People’s lives don’t hinge on me, they—they shouldn’t. I’m not that important.”

“You’ll understand more as we go along,” Mom says.

He keeps staring at her. “You said you heard what Dad said today.”

“Yes,” she says, a cloud of disappointment in her eyes.

“Have you—have you always been able to see me?” Lukas asks, as they keep walking. “Things I do…”

“Yes,” she says, smiling softly at him. “I see you in the cemetery. I loved the pink roses.”

His heart skips a couple beats and he swallows hard.

“I saw you save the turtle. I see it when you kiss Philip’s fingers because he can’t sleep. I see all your races. How determined you are.” She looks at him, linking their arms together. “Lukas—this is why what’s happening breaks my heart. I’m so, so proud of who you are.”

Then they’re not walking anymore, another flash and gust and they’re somewhere else. Lukas feels a little dizzy and he clutches at his chest, trying to focus. They’re in a bar.

“What is this?” Lukas asks, looking around. Mom just looks at him, and his mind still falters every time he sets eyes on her. He needs to see Philip. Needs to know where he is, here in this alternate universe or nightmare or whatever the fuck it is.

He hears his dad’s voice. 

“Y’all raised the prices on these—on these things,” Dad says, slurring, and Lukas turns around slow, his whole body strung tight because he knows what his father sounds like drunk, knows what could happen if he gets too close, says the wrong thing.

“This is a different world,” Mom says, closer behind him. “There are no arguments left in him.”

He’s sitting at the bar, at the very end by the wall, underneath a buzzing Budweiser sign. Lukas watches as Dad downs a mug of beer, and from the way he’s swaying Lukas knows it’s not his first. He puts the mug down and leans against the wall, listlessness in his eyes and posture. He has a beard that’s well on its way to being out of control. His clothes are dirty, his shoes are falling apart. He looks like a fucking mess. 

“Jesus. What happened?” Lukas asks, in a hush. “How could he…how could he get like this?”

“In this world, he and I never had children,” Mom says. “You were the light of our lives, Lukas. Our little miracle. In the real world I didn’t think I’d be able to have children, but then you surprised us. It was the best day of our lives. In this world there were no surprises. The marriage was strained because of it, but when I died it destroyed him. He had no you there with him. As much as you doubt it, he does love you. Very much. But here, he had no one else to love. He lost his job. Lost the house. Became an alcoholic. And now he lives here.”

Lukas narrows his eyes. “ _Lives_ here? At the bar?”

She nods at him. “A room in the back.”

Lukas looks back at his father. He’s leaning on the bar and drinking the beer through a straw now. He’s a wreck. It’s sort of horrifying. He’s always been a strong and imposing figure in Lukas’s life and the man before him is anything but. Lukas can’t believe it. He can’t believe this, any of this fucking bizarro world.

Lukas swallows hard.

“Did—he can’t see us?” he asks.

“No,” Mom says. “None of them can.”

“Are you sure?” Lukas asks, slowly approaching him. Dad finishes his beer and pushes it away from him, the glass wavering on the bar top. “Dad?” Lukas says, when he’s right in front of him. “Dad? Can you…can you hear me?”

Dad stares straight ahead. It looks like there’s nothing behind his eyes.

Lukas feels the tears coming and he sets his jaw, nodding his head. “This is what you fucking get,” he says. “We fight and you say something extremely shitty no father should say to his child and then I say something stupid and then I don’t exist anymore. And you’re still an asshole. Just a worse one than before.”

“Hey!” his dad says, and for a second Lukas thinks it’s directed towards him. “Hey—glass’s empty.” He’s talking to the bartender.

Lukas hangs his head, biting his lip. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, and he thinks he’s saying it to both himself and his dad. “I want—I want things to be better. I want us to work at it…I want you to love me for who I am and not for who you want me to be. I wanna come back, Dad. I want you to want me to come back.”

“You need to stop bein’ so goddamn loud, old man,” this guy at the bar says, turning to look at Dad. “Always in here hollerin’ up a storm.”

Lukas stares at him, his throat going tight. 

“You referring to me?” Dad asks, raising his eyebrows as the bartender pours him another drink. Dad takes a quick gulp, blinking.

“Is he gonna get in a goddamn fight?” Lukas asks, moving back over towards his mom.

She just touches Lukas’s hand, sighing. “I hate seeing him like this.”

Lukas does too. It doesn’t seem right.

“Yeah, you,” the guy says, and he looks drunk too, though not as much as dad does.

Dad only stares at him for a second before he moves forward—his fist flies through the air but doesn’t come in contact with anything, and Dad drops, his stool sliding out from under him as he collapses to the ground. Everyone laughs, and it makes Lukas’s cheeks burn red to see him on the floor like that, to see him reduced to this. 

Lukas feels like he can hardly breathe. Every day facing his fears head-on has been a goddamn trial but now he’s adrift, lost in a life that isn’t his. He’s fucked up. He’s failed. He gave up and the universe heard him and now it’s all over.

“You still don’t understand,” Mom says. 

And then there’s the rushing again, the sick unsteadiness of being dragged through time. Mom touches his shoulder before he opens his eyes and it helps him focus, keeps him from dropping to the ground. 

He feels like he needed more time to talk to his dad, even though it wasn’t really _his_ dad, even though the man wasn’t really listening, electing to embarrass himself instead. Lukas and Mom are gone now, somewhere else, and he’s is afraid to see it, afraid to open his eyes. But the ever-present question pops back into his head. 

“Mom,” he says, still bathed in darkness because every step in this world is difficult, and he isn’t sure if he can face it. “Where’s Philip?”

“You’ll see soon,” she says, taking his hand like she used to do when he was little and they’d go to the park. There were always so many other kids there, some of them his friends, but he preferred to hang out with his mom.

His heart lurches and he shakes his head. “This is scaring me,” he says. “I can’t—I wanna go back.”

“You need to get it first, Lukas,” she says.

“I get it,” he says. “Things are different.”

“Open your eyes.”

And it’s almost like someone forces him even though she’s still holding his hand, and when he does open his eyes he sees a hospital bed and a figure sitting next to it. For one horrifying moment he thinks it’s gonna be Philip laying there, but when he takes a good look he sees that it’s Tony. He’s hooked up to an IV drip and has on an oxygen mask, a big bandage on the side of his head. 

It’s Gabe sitting next to him.

“What the hell is this?” Lukas asks, whipping his head around to look at his mom. “What happened—what—how could this happen?”

There’s a lot behind his mother’s eyes, so much more than was in Bo’s eyes back in the bar. Like she knows it all, knows everything, especially the answer to _Where’s Philip_ that’s making Lukas feel sicker and sicker to think about. 

“Someone got to him,” Mom says. 

“Who?” Lukas breathes, tears in his eyes again. He’s shaking. He wants to go home. He wants Philip. He doesn’t want to see any more.

Then Gabe starts talking. “The guy is still out there.” He says it with a sigh, like a weight he carries with him, and he doesn’t look up at Tony, only down at his own clasped hands. He’s got bags under his eyes and seems unkempt, though not as bad as Lukas’s dad was. Tony looks worse. Terrible bruising on his face, the huge bandage that looks like it’s probably covering a gunshot wound. He’s in a coma. From the way he looks, Lukas doesn’t know how he’s alive.

Gabe keeps talking. “The FBI is just—baffled, they don’t know how to trace him but it’s clear the whole thing is connected to the Vescovi’s. So many people have gotten caught in the crossfire, it’s just…I just can’t…can’t believe…”

Lukas has never seen him cry before, and it’s a shock to see him crumple in tears. He covers his face and sobs, and there’s no response from Tony in the bed, just his heart monitor beating steady.

“Gabe!” Lukas yells, and he tries to reach out and touch him but his hand goes right through his shoulder. “Gabe, Gabe—listen to me! Listen, can you hear me?”

“They can’t hear you, Lukas.”

Lukas breathes hard, closing his eyes tight. He feels trapped. “Oh god,” he whispers.

Gabe just cries and he looks positively broken, all his usual optimism dead and gone. He doesn’t even seem like the same person. Loss is all over his face.

“It was Kane,” Lukas says, his mouth dry. “He did this. And there were—there were more? More victims?”

“There were more,” Mom says. “Things shook out a little differently.”

“Why isn’t Helen here?” Lukas asks, panic rising again. “Why…why is Gabe here with Tony? Wouldn’t it be the opposite? Is she working, is she—is she out there trying to find Kane?” He’s tripping over his words and he keeps wetting his lips and chewing on them. He hates this, he hates this. He needs to see Philip.

“They split up after it happened,” Mom says. 

Lukas’s blood runs cold, and there are too many things running through his mind. He can’t imagine Helen and Gabe splitting up. It doesn’t seem possible, not even here in this shit fucking place where nothing is good. And the thing that happened. He doesn’t wanna fucking know.

“When…” he says, feeling dizzy again. “When what…”

And then they’re moving again but this one seems further, like he’s stuck in a hotbox or something, sweat breaking out on his forehead. He tries to reach out but for a minute he’s in space, no oxygen, and maybe this is it, maybe he’s dying, maybe, maybe—

They’re in a small, rundown apartment. There’s no light in here save for an orange one in the corner, the shade on it ripped to shreds. The place is a mess, clothes and boxes and open containers everywhere. He hears someone move and he turns around, noticing the two women sitting on the couch.

Helen and Philip’s mother.

Both look dazed out of their heads, and Anne has her elbow braced on the arm of the couch, a wisp of smoke coming from her cigarette. Anne looks basically how Lukas remembers her, though there’s something else in her eyes now. But Helen—her hair is loose around her shoulders, her frame thin, her clothes too big for her. She always seemed so strong, to him. Larger than life. But here she looks frail, and it fucking terrifies him.

“What’s…how is his mom here?” Lukas asks, hardly knowing what to question first. He feels like he’s gonna have a heart attack, like something is lurking right around the corner. “She’s gone,” Lukas says. “He—Kane killed her.”

“Not here,” Mom says. “Not in a world where you don’t exist.”

“Why?” Lukas asks, and part of him wishes Philip was here to see her, but he doesn’t want him to see either one of them like this. “What’s—what’s wrong with Helen? Why is she here…what’s…” He closes his eyes, his head pounding. It hurts, like something crawled in his brain, trying to dig out all the good memories and plant these new ones there. These horror stories.

“What’s wrong with her?” Lukas asks, a little louder, and he’s afraid. 

“She’s addicted to her OxyContin,” Mom says. “It didn’t take much, after it all happened, for her to give up. She went back to that place in her head she was in after Buffalo.”

Lukas’s breath catches and he turns slowly to look at her, his eyes straining. “Helen? No goddamn way, no way. Not in any world, she—she wouldn’t—she wouldn’t be like that.”

“After what she’s been through,” Mom says, and her gaze falls on the two women again. 

“Tell me,” Lukas begs, terror coursing through his heart. “Tell me, please. Where is he? Where’s Philip?”

Then Helen starts speaking. It hardly sounds like her voice, something other-worldly about it, something lost and defeated. 

“I failed your son.”

Lukas feels sick.

“I failed him.”

Anne shifts away from her. “I don’t want to talk about this,” she says.

Lukas can’t move. He’s terrified. He has an idea of what’s gonna happen but he keeps pushing it down, trying to wipe it out, because he can’t take it, he can’t take it, can’t believe he did this with one stupid sentence, one false, overzealous wish. He’s a coward who can’t face his own life, and now this. He needs to know but he can’t. He’s too afraid.

“It’s my fault,” Helen says, tears in her voice.

“Like we’ve said a thousand goddamn times,” Anne says, clearing her throat and tapping away ashes, “he...he had no reason to be out there. He didn’t know that place, he’d never seen it or been there before. No one could have—” She tries to fight off tears and Lukas can see her shaking as she takes a long drag off her cigarette. Her lower lip trembles and a few tears escape.

Lukas feels like he’s going to collapse. He turns to look at his mother and she holds out her hand to him, like she knows he’s on shaky ground. He takes it and grips it tight. “Where…where is he?” Lukas asks, and he sounds like he’s five years old.

Then the air around them rushes by again, but it feels even more different than before. Like they’re moving backwards, rushing through a wormhole, the world and air around them fading into a musty gray. He feels cold and he keeps shaking. 

His mom is still holding his hand. “Some people are soulmates, Lukas,” she says. “Forging a connection so deep between them that they’ll still feel the tug of it through time and space, through every alternate universe, every new life. Philip is your soulmate.”

Lukas feels a chill run through him, but for some reason, he isn’t surprised. It feels like the most logical thing in the world. He knows. He knew it. He always knew it.

He loves him. Lukas loves him. He knows it now more than ever, and feels his absence like a hole torn through him. Emptiness, darkness where Philip’s beautiful eyes should be. He can feel what’s coming, his fear bruising him from the inside. 

He clutches at his mother’s hand. 

“He could feel the universe was different. You were supposed to be here, Lukas, but you weren’t and he knew something was wrong. That something essential had been stolen from his life. So when he wound up in Tivoli, he could feel the trace of you. The places where you were supposed to be. Because soulmates are linked, and you took yourself out of his life when you were meant to be in it. But he knew you were meant to be there. He could feel you all around him. Like déjà vu. And that led him to the cabin. Where you kissed for the first time. He followed the ghost of you.”

It’s like a gut punch. He sucks in a breath and presses his hand to his chest, because he can see where this is going, he knows, he knows, he knows now. He’s terrified. He feels like he’s gonna throw up. “Oh God,” he gasps, covering his mouth. “I’m afraid, I can’t—I—I need—”

He stops moving, and he’s in the cabin. His mother isn’t anywhere but he doesn’t have time to process that before everything from that night comes tearing back to him, the horror and death. Kane is there, pointing his gun at Philip under the bed. The dead bodies. Lukas is in front of the closet door. His heart is beating wildly, his breath coming fast. It seems like it’s all moving in slow motion, and Lukas can see the fear in Philip’s face as he squeezes his eyes shut tight, his hair falling down over his forehead.

Lukas tries to move, tries to grab at Kane, but his hand just swipes through Kane’s arm, and it’s no good, he isn’t real, he’s dead because he’s made himself dead, he put Philip in danger and—

Kane shoots Philip in the head.

“No!” Lukas screams, the sound ragged and rash and ripped from his throat, flaying the skin in its wake. He rushes forward again as Kane runs away, out the door, and Lukas drops to his knees. He knows he won’t be able to touch Philip, can’t save him, blood, blood everywhere, his body twitching and Lukas is gonna throw up, he’s gonna puke, no, no, no, he grasps for him and somehow, some way, his hand makes contact with Philip’s shoulder.

Lukas hauls him out.

“Philip,” he whispers, delirious, and Philip is terribly limp as Lukas pulls him into his lap. The wound is awful, a nightmare and Lukas sobs, touching Philip’s face. He knows there are no miracles here and Philip’s eyes are blank, lifeless, his face still beautiful, his body still warm. But he’s gone. “Philip,” Lukas breathes, hugging him close and burying his face in Philip’s neck. The tears fall freely and Philip still smells good, that beautiful scent he leaves behind on Lukas’s pillow, and God, he’s dead, he’s gone, it’s all Lukas’s fault.

_I love being in your arms. I feel like I could spend all day here._  
_Yeah? I’d like that._  
_Me too. Let’s just stay this way forever._  
_Okay. Good plan._

“Philip,” Lukas sobs, trying to breathe as he rocks him back and forth. The memory of their life together teases him. It’s gone. It’s all gone. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t go. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want this. I wanna take it back.” He gasps, looking up, desperate. “I wanna take it back. I wanna take it back! Mom, please! Please help me please. I wanna go back, I wanna go back—I need him, I can’t have this—”

“Do you understand now?”

He whips his head around but she’s not there, he can only hear her voice. 

“Yes,” Lukas yells, holding tight to Philip. “Please, I get it, I’m worth—I’m worth something. I need—I need to be there. I need to, I need to.” He closes his eyes and feels drained, absolutely destroyed. “Please.” He looks down at Philip again, touching his face. Nothing matters, now. Not if he’s gone.

“I need you,” Lukas whispers, his vision blurring with tears again. “Don’t leave me. Please—please don’t leave me.” He leans down, pressing a long kiss to Philip’s cheek. “Please. Please. You’re everything to me, Philip. I—I love—”

Then, with a flash, he’s back on the side of the road next to his bike. He gets up, feeling half-feral, and sees that it’s light outside now, the sun rising on the horizon. His eyes dart around and he sees his mom standing a few feet away; he rushes to her, falling into her arms. 

“God, thank you,” he whispers, closing his eyes tight. “Thank you, thank you.”

“I’m sorry you had to see everything,” she says. “I’m sorry.” She pulls back a little bit, cupping his face in her hands. “Do you realize now?”

“Yes,” he says, nodding.

“Your father would be lost without you. And Philip would be without the one person he loves most. Look where life took him when you were never born. Look where life took them all. Your life is worth something, Lukas. You do matter. You matter to all of them, just as you are. They would not be better off without you, so don’t think that. Don’t let those thoughts enter your head. Don't give up on yourself and your relationship, you know you have so much to live for, people that love you. Not everyone gets a love like you and Philip have. You saw it yourself. You're soulmates. You'll find each other no matter what.”

He nods, tearing up again. He believes her. He believes it. For the first time in a long time it’s like he has a place. Has hope. Has a sense of worth. And he knows Philip is the most amazing thing in the entire world. The love of his life. His soulmate. 

“You are important,” Mom says. “Just because things aren't perfect does not mean they are hopeless. You are not broken. You are not worthless. You are loved. You are needed. Don't ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” he says, shaking his head. “I swear.”

She kisses his cheek, hugging him again. “I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you, Mom. So much.”

She smiles when she pulls back, and he tries to memorize her face. “I’ll always be here for you. I’m your guardian angel. Now go take care of the people you love. Your father will come around. I promise.”

He blinks and then he’s alone again. He thought he’d be filled with a sense of loss when she left but instead he’s full of purpose. He pulls his phone out of his pocket—he has seventeen missed calls from Philip, ten from his dad, three from Helen and two from Gabe. There’s even one from Rose. His heart lurches. He grabs his helmet and puts it on, trying to move as fast as he can. It’s freezing, goddamn freezing out here, but it doesn’t deter him. 

He has to get back to his life.

~

His dad comes storming outside when Lukas rides up, and Lukas can see he’s already yelling. Lukas stops the bike and pulls his helmet off, looking at him in wonder.

“Dad,” he says, because this is the man he knows. This is his father. And Lukas can’t believe it, but he’s ecstatic to see him.

“What in the ever loving hell, Lukas?” Dad says, stopping in front of him as Lukas climbs off the bike. “Did you get into an accident? Why were you gone all night? I’ve been talking with Philip for hours, he’s goddamn terrified—”

Lukas’s eyes light up and a small smile tugs at his mouth. “You’ve been talking to Philip?” Philip. Philip is here. Philip is okay. He’s alive.

Dad’s eyes narrow like he thinks Lukas is insane. “Yes—Lukas, what the hell happened?”

“I’m okay,” Lukas says. “Is he—is he here?”

“He and Helen and Gabe were here for a little while before they brought him home,” Dad says. 

“They’re all okay?” Lukas asks, his heart skipping a couple beats. “Helen’s here, she’s…she’s fine?”

Dad looks at him quizzically. “Yeah, she’s fine.”

“Did you see Tony?” Lukas asks. “He’s safe, right? Not in the hospital?”

“The hospital?” Dad asks. “Lukas, are you—did you hit your head or something? What the hell is going on?”

Lukas breathes in the air of a world that’s his. A life that’s his. A place where he belongs. “No,” Lukas says. “I just—I got a good dose of reality. I didn’t realize how much time had passed, I…I’m sorry.”

“Christ, Lukas….” Dad sighs, looking down at the ground. “Listen….I know you left because of me—I’m sorry I said what I said. I didn’t…I didn’t mean it, I just—sometimes I don’t think. I just—”

Lukas steps forward and hugs him. Dad is stiff for a moment and then he slowly reaches up, wrapping his arms around him. 

“I do…want you to be who you are,” Dad says, quiet. “I do.”

Lukas nods, squeezing his eyes shut tight. He pulls back and nods again, heaving a sigh. “I gotta go,” he says. He sort of expects a fight, but Dad sighs too, nodding. 

“He was worried,” Dad says. “So…” He sets his jaw. 

“I’ll call you later,” Lukas says, because he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen, doesn’t know if he’s going to fall into Philip’s arms and never be able to move again.

“Lukas, you better be careful,” Dad says. “You text me when you get there. You’re lucky I’m letting you go. I’m only letting you go because that poor boy was going out of his mind. Tomorrow, you’re grounded.”

“Fair,” Lukas says, grinning. He starts to get on his bike but then he gets a flash of his dad in that bar. How fucking lost he looked. “Dad,” Lukas says. 

“Yeah?”

“I want you to pour out every bit of alcohol in this house,” Lukas says, chewing on his lower lip. “Because I…because I love you, and I care about what happens to you. Shit, I know this has been hard. All of it, since we lost Mom. But I think…I think we’re gonna be alright. I think we can make it.”

Dad stares at him for a moment, but then Lukas sees the smallest smile appear on his face.

~

Helen looks even angrier than Dad did. Lukas practically throws himself off his bike, casting his helmet aside as they walk down from the patio.

“Lukas—” Helen starts, but Lukas pulls both her and Gabe into a hug at the same time. Helen scoffs, sounding perturbed, but Gabe laughs a little bit, patting his back. He’s over the moon to have them here. They’re together, they’re fine. They’re still the two people who have been like a second family to him since he started dating Philip. They’re fine, they’re okay.

Helen reluctantly hugs him back. “Lukas, people were worried sick about you.”

“Did something happen?” Gabe asks, as they pull back.

Lukas didn’t really plan a lie, though he knows he should have. He tries to think quickly. “Something did happen,” he says. “It was scary as hell and I didn’t know what was gonna—how I was gonna—survive—”

“Survive?” Helen asks, her eyes wide. “Lukas, what—”

“It’s not something I wanna talk about,” he says. “Not…not yet. But I’m okay, there’s no permanent damage, no one else got hurt, it was just…my stupid mistake.”

“Are you sure?” Gabe asks, concerned. 

“Yes,” Lukas says. “I just—I need to see Philip.”

Helen presses her lips together, her brows furrowed.

“I love your son,” Lukas says, swallowing hard. The words come easy now, because he knows their meaning, knows the depths and heights of them. He’s been in a world where that love was stolen from him, and he won’t hold back anymore. “I love him. I’m okay, I went through some weird shit but I’m—I’m okay. I need to see him, where is he?”

“Lukas—” Helen starts. 

“Please,” Lukas says. “Please, please—I need to see him, we can—we can talk more after.” He realizes he’ll have to come up with more details, but that doesn’t matter right now. 

“He’s in the barn,” Gabe says.

“Thank you,” Lukas says, clapping Gabe on the shoulder. 

He turns around and runs, knowing Philip must have heard him ride up and purposefully not come out, which means he’s angry. He rushes inside, letting the doors close behind him, and he sees Philip there, sitting on a blanket with his bag next to him, right by the wall. There’s a beam of light coming in through the window and it’s draped across Philip’s lap, and Lukas knows he adores him but the world clearly does, too. Philip gets to his feet and starts breathing faster.

“Lukas, what the fuck?” he spits out, marching towards him. “Where the fuck were you? I was so worried, I was terrified.”

Lukas feels dizzy but in a good way, struck by his voice and his face and his hands and the way he wears his clothes and how he breathes. He’s never gonna let pain touch him again, not ever. He’s gonna make every single second of his life wonderful. He’ll protect him until they’re both old and gray and have a lifetime of shared memories between them. 

Lukas walks right up to him so they’re nose to nose and Philip stops talking, the anger still in his eyes. 

“Something happened to me,” he whispers. 

Philip softens a little bit. “What?” he asks.

“Will you believe me?” Lukas asks, reaching down and taking his hands. “If I swear to you, here and now, right to your face that I’m not lying to you?”

Philip looks at him for a moment, tracing his eyes over Lukas’s face. “Yes,” he says. “I’ll believe you.”

Lukas is still scared, but he doesn’t want to lie to him again. “Have you—have you ever seen that movie _It’s a Wonderful Life_?”

“No,” Philip says. “But I’ve heard of it.”

“You haven’t seen that movie?” Lukas asks, his brows furrowing. “Philip, it’s a classic.”

Philip shrugs, wetting his lips. 

“We gotta watch it together,” Lukas says. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, closing his eyes and opening them slowly. “Relevance?”

“I—I said that stupid thing,” Lukas says. “To you. About not wanting to be born. And then I ran away like a fucking coward but then—I stopped and…my mom…”

“Your mom?”

“My mom…my guardian angel…she showed me a life where I’d never been born. And Philip, it was fucking—it was awful, it was a nightmare. Dad was an alcoholic, Gabe and Helen had split up, she was addicted to oxy, Tony was in the hospital and you—you were—you—”

He doesn’t want to say it, so he leans forward, resting their foreheads together. “You’re my soulmate, Philip,” he whispers, and he hears Philip’s breath catch.

“What?”

“You’re my soulmate,” Lukas says again. “I had an epiphany, when I saw all that. Because as much as I’m an annoying asshole I’ve affected too many things to just up and leave.”

Philip is breathing hard, and he threads their fingers together. “You…you had a…a magical experience in….in a nightmare world and you…you realized that I’m your soulmate?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, letting out a breath.

Philip just stares at him.

“I love you,” Lukas says, and he feels Philip squeeze his hand. “I love you, Philip, I need you, you’re—you’re everything to me.”

“You—you love me?” Philip says, his voice breaking. 

“You believe me?” Lukas asks, laughing a little bit.

“Wait, wait—Lukas—you love me?”

“Yes,” Lukas says, stealing a quick kiss from Philip’s mouth, because he can’t wait anymore. “Yes, I—I love you so much. More than anything.” The tears threaten and he shakes his head, feeling overwhelmed. “I need you. I need you, we’re meant to be together, in every universe, in every place until the end of time.”

“Lukas,” Philip breathes. 

Lukas reaches up and cups Philip’s face in his hands, feeling Philip’s arms close around his waist as he presses into him. Lukas draws him into a kiss, deep and sure, and God, after all he’s been through, he needs this. Philip makes the smallest noise and Lukas makes one in response, tangling his hands in Philip’s hair as little bursts of pleasure spark up inside him. They sway there for a moment, their mouths sliding together languidly. Philip reaches down and squeezes Lukas’s ass and Lukas gasps into his mouth. He bites at Philip’s bottom lip and Philip squeezes his ass harder, making Lukas see stars.

“You love me,” Philip whispers, kissing the corner of Lukas’s mouth. “You love me.”

“I love you,” Lukas says, backing him up until they hit the wall. He grinds against Philip a little bit, tipping his head so he can lean in and start sucking at his neck. He finds his pulse, that beautiful heart gaining speed, and Lukas holds onto Philip’s hips as he drives his own forward. 

“Helen and Gabe—” Philip starts.

“—can probably guess what we’re doing,” Lukas finishes. 

“We should be—be fast,” Philip says, lightly touching Lukas’s cheek and tipping his face back up. Lukas’s eyes flick down to Philip’s lips, swollen and pink from all the kissing, and he has to move in, capture his mouth again. Philip clings to his shoulders and moans. “Need you, okay?”

“So okay,” Lukas says, kissing him. “The most okay,” he says, kissing him once more.

“Lube and condom in my bag,” Philip breathes.

“Good,” Lukas says. “Thank God.”

Philip grins and Lukas kisses his smile. “Get them, dummy.”

“Mmmm.” Lukas kisses him one more time, slipping his tongue into his mouth so he can taste him. Philip laughs again and pushes at his shoulders. Lukas doesn’t wanna move away from him, not for one second, but he wants to make love to him too, so he quickly ducks down and digs through Philip’s bag, grabbing the lube and the condom out of the side pocket. He returns to him fast, putting the condom in his pocket for the time being, and before he knows it Philip is undoing his button and fly and pushing his pants down. Lukas follows suit as Philip pushes his boxers down too, turning around so his back is to Lukas.

“Like this?” Lukas asks, his pants catching around his knees as he pulls his cock out of his boxer briefs, already hard and leaking, especially with Philip’s incredible ass on display for him.

“Yes,” Philip whispers, groaning when Lukas moves in and rubs up against him. 

Lukas slicks his fingers up with lube and gets Philip ready as quick as he can, knowing he can’t really rush this. He pushes in and out of him, opening him up, listening to the little clipped noises he makes, relishing how his body pushes back against Lukas’s hand. Lukas works up to three fingers and kisses Philip’s neck, pulls back the collar of his shirt and lavishes his shoulder too. He’s never wanted to be completely owned by another person but he wants that with Philip, wants to be devoured by him. 

“Lukas,” Philip whispers, his hands braced on the wall. “C’mon, I’m ready, please—”

“You sure?” Lukas asks, close to his ear. He seeks out Philip’s prostate and finds it, making him moan. Philip arches his neck back, his eyes fluttering closed.

“Need you,” Philip says. “Come on, come on.”

Lukas pulls his hand back and bends a little bit to fish the condom out of his pocket, opening it up with his teeth and letting the wrapper drift back down to the ground. He puts the condom on, fumbling the lube bottle in his hands before he quickly pours enough onto his cock. He drops it down to the hay floor too, listening to Philip’s breathing. He holds him by the hips, lining up and pushing inside.

“Ah—fuck, Lukas,” Philip breathes, reaching back and gripping the back of Lukas’s neck. Lukas keeps going until he bottoms out, pressed up against Philip’s back, closer than he thinks they’ve ever been. He kisses his cheek over and over, the line of his jaw and his chin, his eyelids. Philip leans into him as Lukas wraps one arm around his waist, tightening his hold.

“Move, baby,” Philip whispers, those beautiful plush lips opening wide when Lukas stutters forward a little bit. Lukas kisses him, dipping his tongue into Philip’s mouth and tasting him. 

Lukas doesn’t have too much room to move because of how he’s molded their bodies together, but he cares about the closeness more, thrusting forward into him in little short bursts, Philip’s tight heat nearly driving him insane. Philip twists his hand in Lukas’s hair and Lukas feels it in his gut, burying his face in Philip’s shoulder.

“You feel so good,” Lukas says, half-muffled. “God, Philip, I can’t—I can’t live without you.”

“You don’t have to,” Philip gasps, and his fingers contract in and out on the wall. “Not ever, not—not ever, Lukas, fuck—”

Lukas rubs his hand up and down Philip’s stomach, under his shirt, down and over his hip. He teases around his cock and Philip gasps, bucking forward. Lukas thrusts into him a little deeper, feeling himself pulse and throb, and he never wants to do this with anyone else.

“Tell me again,” Philip says breathing harshly through his mouth as he tips his face in Lukas’s direction.

Lukas nuzzles his cheek, licks at a trickle of sweat racing down Philip’s temple. “What?” he whispers, his pace gaining a little speed, the lust in his veins overtaking him. This is his person. This person wants him. This person needs him. Philip is the perfect example of why Lukas matters, why he’s important. If Philip cares about him, there has to be something good.

Philip pushes back against him, and Lukas feels Philip’s cock jump as he wraps his hand around it. “That you love me,” Philip gasps, his eyebrows knitting together.

Lukas crashes their mouths together, nipping at his lips, tracing his tongue along the bottom one as he keeps pumping into him, working his cock steady the way he knows Philip likes it. The cool air is sneaking through the barn door and Lukas presses closer. “I love you,” he whispers, kissing him over and over, pleasure simmering through every inch of him. He knows he’s close. “I love you, I love you, Philip.” 

“Ah—ah—fuck, Lukas, oh God, I love you,” Philip moans. “Lukas. Lukas.”

“I love you,” Lukas whispers, pumping into him fast and messy. He thumbs over the head of Philip’s cock and Philip sucks in a breath, digging his nails into the back of Lukas’s neck as he comes apart. Lukas thrusts into him once more, a whine escaping him as he follows, his vision going white as he falls forward, burying his face in Philip’s neck again and squeezing his eyes shut tight. 

~

They clean up and lay down together on the blanket, Lukas putting his jacket around Philip’s shoulders and hauling him close. They talk for a while, about everything that happened, and Lukas truly feels like someone knocked a hole in his world. But this one is more like a window, letting the light in.

“Do you really believe me?” Lukas asks, running his finger up and down Philip’s cheek. 

“Yes,” Philip says, tangling their legs together. “I’m just—I mean, it’s crazy.”

“I lost you,” Lukas whispers, his chest going tight. “Because I said that stupid fucking thing. I ruined everybody’s lives and I lost you, because I was supposed to be there.”

Philip cups his cheek. “It’s true, though. I’d be able to feel you. I’d look for you no matter what. Don’t you feel that? With me? Even in the beginning, when things were so much more difficult, I—I don’t know. I felt so connected to you and that’s how I knew I had to keep trying. Had to stand by you, no matter what.”

Lukas closes the distance between them fast and kisses him softly, tenderly. He’s so grateful he’s here. So grateful he’s safe.

“So you get it now?” Philip asks. “That you’re important?”

“Yes,” Lukas says, nose to nose with him. 

“You’re not gonna forget?” Philip asks. “Let things get you down?”

Lukas worries, because he knows how he is. But he does think things are different now. He feels like he can see the whole picture. How he affects the world, how the world affects him. How to center himself, remind himself that there is love under harsh words, there is love under worry and anger and fear. There’s a future with the beautiful person beside him, something he thought he’d never get. Philip has given him courage. Made him break down walls, find himself, realize who he is. And he likes that person. For the first time, he can see what’s in front of him. See what could have been, had he give up. “I’ll never forget what I saw,” he says. “And I just—well, you’re my priority, baby. I'd do anything for you, Philip, I'd pluck the moon out of the sky for you. I wanna…I know I wanna build a life with you.”

Philip smiles radiantly, nuzzling their noses together. “So you say this was like that movie, huh?”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “We’ll watch it together on Christmas.”

“Okay,” Philip says. “Which movie should we reenact next? How about _Dirty Dancing_? I know you’ve got some moves.”

Lukas snorts, leaning into him. “You’ve seen that but not _It’s a Wonderful Life._ I can’t believe you.”

“Maybe _Grease_ is a good idea,” Philip says, grinning and glancing up like he’s thinking hard. “You, singing, in a leather jacket. I like it.”

Lukas leans in, tickling him a little bit. “You’re ridiculous.”

“And you love me.”

“Yes,” Lukas says. “God, I love you.”

~

They come back out about an hour later, figuring that Helen and Gabe are gonna start banging down the door if they hang out in the barn much longer. It’s getting colder and colder and Philip shivers, even though he’s wearing Lukas’s jacket. 

“You look like you’re the one that needs a leather jacket,” Lukas says. “Christmas gift, I’m planning it now.”

“Don’t you dare get me something expensive,” Philip says, shooting him a half-hearted glare. 

“It’s our first Christmas together, babe,” Lukas says, kissing his temple. “I gotta go all out.”

The snow starts falling then, not in any big wave but in small pretty flakes that they’ll be wishing for in the next couple of days when it’s coming down a lot harder. But this is nice, this reminds Lukas of when he was little, when Mom and Dad would take him outside to see it, swinging his arms back and forth between them.

Philip looks up as it gathers in his hair, a small smile on his face. “We haven’t gotten much this year,” he says. “Guess it’s starting.”

Lukas gazes at him, and he’s so thankful he was born, because it led him to this moment. To see someone that makes his heart ache, someone that glows, someone that loves him. And he deserves this love. He knows he does. “Hey,” he says, tugging Philip close as the snow falls all around them. 

“Hey,” Philip says, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s neck.

Lukas leans in, pressing a long kiss to Philip’s mouth. He knows they need to get inside, that he’s starting to get cold without his jacket. But for the moment, he’s content to sway here in Philip’s arms. There’s no place he’d rather be.


End file.
